ODN

High Times

CERTEZA

What am i supposed to say about me, and my own little (or big) failures; trying not to fall on my self created cliché, where i put my self so down making it hard, not to be picked up but to get back on my feet by my self. I go to sleep every day then wake up, stay in bed most of the day, kind of eat something, kind of do something productive, kind of … all day long!!!
Can’t help to feel guilt and remorse (not that sure about remorse) about staying home all day long and not moving a finger to do mostly shit. Is it really my decision? Did I lock my self in a dark room a long time ago and threw away the key?. I like to think of me as a walking statement (I enjoy justifying my self like that), it’s not only not having a job, going against a stream (don’t ask me which one, or do), refusing to do most of the things regular people at my age does, but most of the times the impression that I get is I am wasting my life away all because of my own statement; but then again am I really doing that? Do I prefer to hear my self complain about this or about my shitty job and my shitty paycheck , instead I chose to complain about the opposite a while ago…
On another kind of guilt, the one that holds me back and keeps me from finishing things I start, also discovering that I often fool my self, and an image or a chat opens up my eyes making it impossible for me to carry on. So I need to find a new way to validate every single action that I take on; need to stop romanticizing situations and people, I need to portray the situations on its whole grey scale. There is more that only one face to every single thing in this world, but I don’t want to care about the faces, I want to care about the things that propelled a gesture or a mannerism…
There is no ideal situation or ideal plan for that matter, instead there is the uncertain, there is a calculation that can be made of the damage produced by our decisions, but in a way (my way) besides that uncertainty there is expectation. And whether right or wrong I shall close a few doors during the process.