Friday, October 14, 2011

To Commit. Words will come back to bite you in the ass.

1. to give in trust or charge; consign.
2. to consign for preservation: to commit ideas to writing; to commit a poem to memory.
3. to pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.): Asked if he was a candidate, he refused to commit himself.
4. to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge: to commit oneself to a promise; to becommitted to a course of action.
5. to entrust, especially for safekeeping; commend: to commit one's soul to God.

I was thinking the other day...
About me, mostly...
Life always revolves around me.

When I finished Junior High I had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life. I was just happy end excited about finishing because it was one of the worst times of my life.
The I went to High School and after a small talk with teachers promoting extra curricular activities at the High School Auditorium, it felt like I had it all figured out...
Too bad I didn't think of me as the main obstacle to achieve the goal. And I say this with no hidden irony, I am not being sarcastic. Although I am always complaining I am satisfied with my decisions and if I had to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing... Wouldn't think it twice.

So I was saying I thought I had it all figured out, while in high school I never stressed about my future, or the things i would do to get to it (I would have ever imagined, I'd have a website called SIN FUTURO/NO FUTURE). I remember my classmates faces, clueless and with fear on the last months before we graduated.  That was years ago.
I have come across some of them recently, some are bold, fat or have kids, or fat, bold and with kids. It just seemed like they were going with the flow of life, never seemed like they had a plan or a goal for all that matters. They all just seemed as if they had been left in the middle of the ocean, so hopeless waiting for I don't know what.

It is 2011, and I have been working for the past four months now...
This whole time it feels like I went back to school, drama, gossip, people not doing their homework, avoiding responsibilities, you name it. So many times it feels like I work with the same people I always avoided back in school, with the ones I never liked. With those who had no clue about what they wanted to do (look where knowing what I wanted got me).

Then while making copies I though if the secret to a "happy" adult life style would be not committing to anything, and saying yes to everything without really meaning to... Saying no when you want to say yes, I guess that keeps doors open, and you walk thru them with a fake smile on your face, and you walk and walk until you get to a big desk and sit behind it while your own PA pours coffee on your favorite mug, and after a long day of work you get to go back to your house, but you are stuck in traffic behind the wheel of your dream car for at least 2 hours everyday. But finally by the time you are home you get to fall asleep on the couch while watching a movie on Pay per view because you never had a chance to go to the movies.

Here I am anyways, making plans for "the future" and doing my part time job hating on everything fulltime, getting drunk on weekends and enjoying the mental pictures of the goodtimes that i've had, wishing I was here and there, doing this and that, watching people rushing in the morning, having people look at you as if you were a bum, feelling like a bum... A Million Dollar Bum.

As it has been most of my adult life I am getting ready to turn my eyes blind to another oportunity, but I jus can't associate my self with people or things i don't believe in.
Once I was told it was time to leave behind the ethics, that it was time to make money of from a shitty product...
I've come a long way to have anyone telling me when it's time to do what...
I commit I can't compromise.
Friendships have ended because of that...
Guess we weren't really friends.

Life, was it ever meant to be fulfilling?

See where we are in 5 or 10 years, I happen to know where some will be, I just won't tell, it wouldn't be polite.

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